Sophie's Choice

If you had to. Just had to. Pick one. Only one. Which one would it be?

Sometimes, it's hard to boil such decisions down to only one. But in this case, it's hard to pick one. I mean, they're fuzzy. Furry. Friendly. And they brighten your day with a song.

But still. I was asked. And still, it feels an impossible question to answer.

But I have to. Pick one. Only one. Which one will it be?

There's Kermit. And there's Miss Piggy. Animal and Fozzie Bear. Gonzo. Scooter. The Swedish Chef. Beaker. Janice. Statler and Waldorf. Sam the Eagle. And just to add more variety, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, Snuffleupagus, Bert and Ernie, Elmo, Grover, Cookie Monster, Curly Bear, The Count. There are more that could be added to the list, but at the time, these were all the Muppets and Sesame Street characters I could think of.

And now, I have to choose.

Miss Piggy was a popular choice, but to be honest, I like her savvy. I like her grit. Her determination. Her bossiness. I don't care for her violence, but she's a pig. I can forgive it. So, no, I can't pick her. And Kermit? Forget about it! Fozzie, Gonzo, Big Bird, Snuffleupagus, and Elmo are all a no-way-in-hell. I thought about Oscar, but he's too easy: he's grouchy. But he lives in a trash can. He seems an unfair choice. Cookie Monster might have it coming because of his nutritional mindset, but still, no. I considered Statler and Waldorf longer than the others. They were never very nice to anyone else. But they're both old. And which one? They cancel each other out.

I gasped when my wife chose Snuffleupagus. I couldn't believe it. He was always my favorite Sesame Streeter. Her rationale revolved around him always disappearing when Big Bird needed him to exist, so Big Bird wouldn't seem crazy in the eyes of his other friends. I say, hogwash.

When it comes right down to it, if I have to punch a Muppet or a Sesame Streeter in the face, I would pick Janice, the guitar playing hippie. Don't take the choice to be a social commentary on how I feel about hippies. It's only because she's always so dopey; not really with it. I choose her because I think she would be the one less likely to feel it. And maybe, just maybe, deep down, I do think she deserves it. Maybe, just maybe, I think she's a little too cool. A little too hip. Maybe she always tested my mettle. Tested my self esteem. And I failed every time.

When impossible choices must be made, they should not be made fool-heartedly. If a fist has to fly, make sure it lands on the candidate you can live with.