Friday, November 11, 2011

Holiday Haiku: Rick Perry

Memorization
Haunts even the best of minds
You are really screwed.

Unless you're wearing
a pancake breast plate, hugging
syrup is plain weird.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's Caining (Wo)Men, Hallelujah

This is a joke, right? A man, running for a presidential bid, has women popping up and claiming he was sexually inappropriate with them, and the women are to blame? Their pasts are being combed over? Awesome. That's the kind of unbiased news I can sink my teeth into. 

What does Herman Cain have to do for his popularity to go down? Have an abortion?

Actually, yes. In his party, that's exactly what he'll have to do.  

Look, I know Herman talks like your neighbor who still can't figure out why all the Occupy Wall Street protesters aren't wearing Birkenstocks, a neighbor you admire, but if you keep ignoring the red flags, the regret you'll feel come this time next year is going to keep you from enjoying the Super Bowl.

Please, don't do this. Don't support a stupid, sexist blowhard to run our nation. This is a country! There won't be a hostess greeting our nation's problems at the door, asking if they want a booth or a table, because she quit after tearily explaining to her mother that Herman put his hand on her ass, squeezed, and said he had a saucy surprise for her, but she'd have to search his pants to find it.

In the restaurant business, this type of behavior is called "charming".

I know this is all a huge misunderstanding, Herman. The women "coming after you" misunderstood they were supposed to keep their mouths shut and take it.