Answers to Your Vegan Questions

Most people, when I tell them I'm a vegan, make fun of me. I eat dandelions. I eat tree bark. I eat twigs rubbed in dirt. They cannot, for the life of them, figure out what I could possibly eat by not eating animals or their by-products. In their minds, I've eliminated 99.9% of the food available to eat.

That is so not that case.

So for anyone still confused on what I eat, let me make it very clear: I eat tires. I eat plastic shampoo bottles. I eat batteries. I eat cell phones. I eat carboard. All the recycables you throw into your colored bins end up on a vegan's plate.

You see, we vegans take the planet and the creatures on it very seriously. You can only make so many plastic water bottles into bags, so what's leftover is sent to any registered vegan to be consumed, thereby reducing landfill waste.

You may be asking, How is that possible? How can you digest tires? Well, it's easy! Once you register at the iamveganbecauseicareaboutpeopleandtheirchildrenwhointurndontcareaboutme.org, you receive, between 6-8 weeks, your Vegan Survival Kit. It includes:

A set of stainless steel teeth
A silver lined stomach
A plastic--made out of soda bottles, of course--intestinal tract
A pine scented air freshener

When you go vegan, it's a lot like converting your car to biodiesel: you get a whole new system. It's a difficult adjustment for the first month, but by the second month, there is nothing your system can't handle. I've even graduated to picking through construction sites! You wouldn't believe how good nails are between a couple of two by fours.

So, for anyone out there who thinks veganism might be something you're interested in, ask yourself a few basic questions:

Do I care about how animals are treated?
Do I care about the topsoil they are ruining and will never come back?
Do I care about setting healthy food habits for my children? (I'm sorry, but Snackables don't count.) :(
Do I care about my children inheriting a healthy planet?

If you answered no to any of these questions, you might not qualify for the program. But don't fret. I can help you. I'm here day or night to answer your vegan questions. And remember, if you ever get a hankerin' to make fun of someone who isn't like you, think about what makes them different and try it again.