"Oh my god, Del. He's so hot!"
Del turned to look at who her friend, Tiffani, was referring to, curious to see who was hot enough to interrupt their conversation about sneaking out to this weekend's senior party. On the cusp of turning fifteen, Del thought they surely could pass for seniors. They only had to tell their parents a convincing story so they could stay out late, which they were two details away from nailing down. Del recognized the hot guy: everyone knew Jacob.
Tiffani leaned into Del and whispered, "I heard he got Kelly a twenty-five dollar gift certificate to Starbucks for her birthday." Yes, he had. And it was still a pretty big fucking deal. "I'm totally gonna sleep with him at the party if he asks."
Stop right there.
Tiffani, do you even understand what you're saying?
I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, kick your puppy, sink your ship, and blow out your candles, but teenagers don't have good sex. Teenagers like Jacob especially.
You see, Tiffani, unless a New World Order has been issued, Jacob could care less how to satisfy you. After all, he can ask ten girls to sleep with him at the party and eight of them will say yes. You're not so naive to think you're the only one saying these things, do you?
My advice to you, Tiffani, is that if Jacob does ask you to have sex with him, go ahead and do it (just promise you'll make him wear a condom!). No one can stop you crazy kids from doing sloppy, messy, bunny-humping things to each other. But you let him know that if you don't orgasm you're going to tell the entire school that he has a teeny, tiny penis that looks just like a baby carrot when it stands at attention. If that's not enough, you'll also tell everyone he called out his best friend's name--LUKE!--when he came.
One more thing. When you see teenagers--just like you!--having sex in movies or on television, understand that they are faking their way through it too.
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