This Just In!

Oscars Put Millions to Sleep
By Whack-A-Muse © 2011 Smartass Press

Hollywood, CA -- Millions of Americans woke up with a startle this morning. "I was sitting in my Armani armchair, wondering why they were starting with a technical award, and the next thing I knew, I heard my alarm clock going off in the bedroom and it's time to get ready for work!" said Steve McCallister, an Oscar aficianodo. His partner, David, is still sleeping.

Many viewers found that trying to figure out if James Franco was stoned or not was the most exciting part of the evening. "He couldn't open his eyes to save his life," Jenny Radcliff had to say. "When it puts a host to sleep, you know there's a problem."

Anne Hathaway and James Franco were meant to bring in a younger demographic so the show could put them to sleep. It was a tactic put in place by Citizens Concerned About Concerned Parents in an effort to stop young adults from texting so much. Ann Thompson, spokesperson for the group, said, "Young people today...have you looked at their thumbs? They're calloused and blistered! We need to take drastic steps to stop the abuse." And steps they did take. Imagining Bob Hope hosting the Oscars had many young people shrugging their shoulders. "Who the <bleep> is Bob Hope?" asked LaJohn Williams. He fell asleep before he could find out.

It appears the Citizens Concerned About Concerned Parent's plan worked like a charm.

"We knew we had to do something big," Ms. Thompson said.

Most Americans are now alert, although there are reports that throughout the suburbs, there is still uncorked champagne surrounded by the sounds of snoring.