Finding Focus

My absence has plagued me each day I have stayed away, yet it was necessary. Necessary because I needed to take some time and remember why I started blogging in the first place. It was not meant to distract me. It was not meant to keep me from writing anything else. It was meant to make a connection to you, the reader. Instead, I began using it as a place to hide.

When the agent who requested my manuscript came back with a I-do-not-wish-to-pursue-this-project-any-further, I completely deflated; became a paper-thin replica of my former self. During the months the agent had my manuscript, I felt a part of things. I gladly dangled off the edge of hope. (Possibility feels remarkably good.) When the agent decided to pass - which I knew all along was the larger of possibilities - I could not help but feel defeated. In the ten seconds it took me to read the I-think-I'll-pass email, I felt as though I'd been kicked out of the club, the next invitation being withheld.

Am I proud of how I handled the rejection? Proud of how I allowed the agent to hijack my confidence? Proud of how I willingly, gladly laid down? Not at all. I needed to remember that while this one person's opinion did matter, it was not the last say.

It was imperative that I let the blogging suffer and focus on my resolve.

I started querying agents again. I began polishing a few short stories that I wrote long ago, getting them ready to submit to various literary magazines. (If I can get a short story published it will make it slightly easier to attract the attention of an agent.) I even started working on my second novel again.

When we allow others to define who we are or how we feel about ourselves, the damage we do is undeniably dangerous and foolish. I spent months wasting time, refusing to lift myself up. Will it happen again? Undoubtedly. However, I must remember perseverance will get me farther than pity. And even if I never get published, it does not mean that I will feel any less of a writer than Jodi Picoult or John Irving. It only means that I will have never made it onto the big stage. For now, I only need remind myself not to hide from the idea of never finding the spotlight.