Open Letter: Governor Scott Walker

Dear Governor Walker:

Congratulations. You did it. So what if you broke the law by violating your state's open meeting laws. It's a minor technicality. Who cares anyway, right? You're a hero! You said collective bargaining for public employees was a fiscal concern, yet you stripped away all the fiscal matters and left it on its own so you could pass it without the Dems. Good one! You're a true American, Governor.

I loved watching your give-me-liberty-or-give-me-death attitude unfold. I'm sure the billionaire Koch brothers loved it too. That call, where you thought you were talking to David: hilarious! Nothing tickles me more than hearing our hired public officials - paid by the taxpayers you insist sacrifice for the budget shortfalls - spend twenty minutes on the phone with billionaires. It truly is good stuff, Governor. Next time, think you can do me a solid and patch me through? I have some ideas I think David Koch would be interested in, too.

I know I've called you some rather ugly names lately - douche bag, fucker, dickhead, dick-smack motherfucker - but let's let bygones be bygones. But, between you and me, you have to admit, you are kind of a dick, right? I mean, you don't actually look at yourself in the mirror and think you're doing right by the thousands of people shouting outside the capital? Oh, that's right. How foolish of me. Your audacity slipped my mind. There's nothing like self importance to get one through the day. Am I right!?

In any case, it comforts me to know that you'll be provided and cared for until you're six feet under. If the citizens of Wisconsin vote you out, I'm sure the friends you've made will pick you up and dust you off with hundred dollar bills. I bet that helps you sleep at night, too.

One more thing before I let you get back to work. Be proud of yourself. As the protests grow bigger and louder, you keep patting yourself on the back. The work you've done to fuck the average American worker is almost as good as corporations moving their businesses overseas (those foreigners sure don't demand as much, eh?). But you keep at it, Governor Walker. I can't wait to see what you come up with next. I never grow tired of watching assholes walk on two legs. 

All best,

Whack-A-Muse