Commercials, Again

1. A woman opens a gift from her boyfriend. The gift is a teapot, small in size. The woman doesn't bother to hide the fact that the tiny teapot represents her deepest fear: being alone forever. She becomes hysterical.

Jesus Christ. Calm the fuck down. It's only a teapot. You manage to take something thoughtful, something sweet, something bought with you in mind, and bastardize it with your own insecurities.

The boyfriend sticks around. He decides that yes, this woman, this woman who cannot handle receiving a simple gift without flipping out, this woman who puts enormous emphasis on inanimate objects, this woman who blames him for the way she feels about herself, is worth his time and affection.

So, he buys her a larger teapot. She could really give a shit.

It's not until she opens a box with an "open heart" diamond necklace inside that she realizes he truly loves her: the necklace says love.

Hey, ungrateful asshole? All the human atrocities that happened in order to deliver those diamonds to your precious neck aside, why don't you stop being so materialistic and recognize his efforts?

But then I wonder what she has to do to prove she loves him.

She deserves to chokes on it.

2. A man and a woman are lounging by a pool. They are a couple. The woman leaves to take a dip in the pool. The man keeps dickin' around on his cell phone. When the woman emerges from the pool, the man pictures her as NFL running back, Adrian Peterson.

Hold on. Am I the only one who hears the needle scratch across the record?

You're picturing your hot girlfriend--who is wearing a bikini, by the way--as a male athlete? You realize what this means, right?

You are SO gay! You are pass-the-glow-sticks, my-wet-bikini-wearing-girlfriend-can't-hold-my-interest, I-like-touching-penises gay!

And that's okay. There's nothing wrong with being gay. But maybe next time you decide to go on vacation you should bring someone else. Someone who has an Adam's apple. Someone who pees standing up. Someone who will fill out that NFL uniform and fulfill your every fantasy.

O-oh, now I get it! Fantasy football.