This Just In!

Governor Uses Fear as Latest Tactic
By Whack-A-Muse © 2011 Bullshit Press

Madison, WI. -- Protests in Wisconsin continued after Governor Scott Walker's announcement that lay offs could start if the elimination of collective bargaining rights is not passed soon. "I'm more interested in furthering my career and political party than I am the right's of my constituents," Governor Walker said in a press conference. He tweeted soon after, "All the greats r loved/feared&I'll b counted w/them even if I have 2 fire evry1." "When asked about the financial crisis his state is supposedly facing, Governor Walker answered, "It's not about the money. It's never been about the money. It's about me being a giant asshole." Governor Walker put his arm on the podium, leaned forward, and whispered into the microphone, "Plus, it never hurts to get large corporate backing come the next election."

The reporters politely chuckled.

Still, the protests show no sign of slowing down. "I was telling my son just yesterday that if we fail, the bullies are not only gonna take over the playgrounds but every state where government wants to nail down Republican victories," said Jeff Gartner, a bus driver who works two additional jobs in order to save enough money to send his son to get an overpriced college education where, upon graduation, his son will not find a job for at least five years and need to continue living at home.

Anna Dunlop, a third grade teacher from Madison, said, "If they tried to take away collective bargaining rights from NFL players, this nonsense would stop in its tracks. When did we become the bad guys? I have never seen a movie where the terrorist was a teacher. Teachers are important. Far more important than an over-muscled Neanderthal who reads at a fifth grade level and throws and catches a ball for a living."

The NFL had no response.

The CEO of a large corporation, who wishes to remain anonymous, is keeping his eye on the situation. "It's simple math. If we can bust up the unions, the flock will be disbanded. They'll huddle into individual corners. And who knows? If this thing passes, we might be able to do away with the weekend, make workers work until we say they can go home, refuse them breaks and overtime, and strip away any shred of dignity they're holding on to. I've been dreaming of something like this since I was twenty-one and realized I was an entitled douche bag."

Governor Walker concluded by saying, "I really want to scare the shit out of people, but I can't open fire into the crowd now, can I? Threatening people with the loss of their jobs will put them back in their place--under the heel of my boot. Haha! And if I do fire 1,500 people, I can blame it on the Dems for not coming back. It's a win, win situation! God has proven he really does favor me."

Someone in the crowd yelled, "God favored Lucifer, too!"

Governor Walker smiled, waved, and left the podium.