The List

Certain behavors are guaranteed to kick you off my list of respectable human beings. The following are just a few examples. Enjoy.

When you tell me that I need to respect what other people want to do but will not allow me to have my own opinions without growing horns and trying to gouge my point of view out of existence, I take issue with your hypocrisy. Off the list.

When I hold the door open, and you walk through it like I was born to be in that exact spot, at that exact moment, to hold the door open for your precious, important self. Maybe you're saving up your thank you's for your Oscar speech. Regardless, Your Majesty, you're off the list.

When you tell my wife how hot she is and that you hunt Libras (my wife's sign) like you're some kind of sexualized Rambo, and your girlfriend is less than two feet away, you're off the list. (I don't care that you told my wife she is hot, because she is. But your girlfriend might.)

When both of us are headed towards each other on the sidewalk, and you assume I will be the one who will move out of your way without the slightest acknowledgement that I'm even there. Allow me to step aside, Mr./Ms. President. Off the list.

When you take one bite out of a hot dog and throw the rest of it in the trash. Why, yes, the animals DO love to suffer and then meet a grisly death so you can be so frivilous with your food choices. A big hug and thanks going out to you from the barnyard. So off the list.

When you tell me what God is thinking, and how he feels. Really? Crazy, party of one. Off the list.

When you score a touchdown or last minute shot and you point to the sky. Get your ego in check. God could really give a shit about your game. I don't care how much money you make--your catching a ball is not that important when it comes to an entity who allegedly created the whole flippin' universe. Supernovas, black holes, 5000 species of frogs, and the six/two points you just scored. Get off the list, egomaniac.

When you set boundries--and stick to them--for what you will and will not deal with, the list becomes a short one. But those who have made the list are very dear to me. I would have my life look no other way. And thank you all (you know if you've made the list) for being in my life.