The Bases

On the way to dinner last night, my wife and I were discussing the sexual bases. We were more confused than President Bush when he was told the country was under attack.

It went something like this:

Me: I wonder what the bases mean today.
Wife: Bases?
Me: Sexually, I mean.
Wife: What did they mean when we were kids?
Me: I don't know.
We look at each other like someone should know.
Wife: Me either.
At this point, I'm thinking, yeah, right...
Me: Well, first base was kissing, right?
Wife: I think so.
Me: And second base was a handful of boob?
Wife: Maybe...?
Me: And third base was touching <insert your favorite nether region because the word I actually used is not PG-13>? And a home run was penetration?
We look at each other, still puzzled.
Wife: I don't know.
Me: Me either.

Being a sexual prude in high school (which is really easy to do when you're not attracted to the gender everyone on your side is raving about), the bases were never clearly defined to me. Whenever the topic of sexual acts was brought up, I giggled or oohed-and-aahed along as if to say, "Oh, yeah. I've totally done all that too." (I still do this today.) But the truth of the matter was that it was terrifying territory for a confused baby-dyke who didn't know that two women could touch each other. I'd never seen anything like it with my very own eyes, so how was I to know.

And then, blessed be, Basic Instinct hit the big screen. I dragged my boyfriend at the time to see it about fifty times (a mild exaggeration). He was as confused as a boy in a theater watching the same shitty movie he'd just seen with his still-in-awe girlfriend. When Sharon and the other actress, who was never seen again, kissed each other, it was like harps started playing, like a spotlight shone on the duh! of my psyche. I decided then and there that I wanted to be an actress so I, too, could kiss other women.

When I watch Basic Instinct today, I see it for what it is: a ridiculous movie with no redeeming qualities. But I will always give it the props it is due: it got me thinking about things that have led me to who I am today.

So, when I asked my wife what the bases are today, I was looking to her for guidance. Seeing how she doesn't know either, I can only guess:

First base: kissing
Second base: intercourse
Third base: pregnancy
Home run: creating a make-shift family around this idea that two people who sleep together are perfect for each other.

I am grateful for my sexual prudence. And I am grateful I am not in school today. Although, I do regret, knowing what I know now, that I didn't get a chance to bag a cheerleader.