Monday, October 22, 2012

Urban Legend: The Scissoring Lesbians

Everyone knows that lesbian intimacy revolves around fluffy pillows, Laura Ashley wallpaper, white cotton panties, vanilla scented candles, and rubbing our smooth private Barbie parts together, also known as scissoring. That's why sewing rooms--the lesbian equivalent to gay men's bath houses--are so popular in the Pacific Northwest.

The act of scissoring can be traced back to the late 1700s in Ireland. Fiona McDonnell couldn't fit on the bed on account of her family's kindness. After neighboring family, the O'Learys, lost their home in an unexpected fire, the McDonnells opened their home to the family of five. But bedtime posed a challenge. There were eight children but room for only seven on the bed. It was the eldest O'Leary son, Eoin, who suggested Fiona and his sister Shannon open their legs, just so, in order to fit in such a way that two bodies take up only one space. He said they could save even more space by taking off their nightgowns but failed to make a strong case to back his logic.

You couldn't blame him for trying. 

When the fiery redheaded Shannon suggested Eoin do the same with Thomas McDonnell, Eoin shook his head. He claimed it would look "too faggy." So it came to pass that Fiona and Shannon scissored night after night so neither had to sleep on the floor. 

Scissoring didn't become a lesbian sex act until the 1970s, after straight men decided it was a hot way for straight women to make "lesbian" porn together.

When my wife and get a hankering to scissor, we remember that scissoring is a straight person's idea of what lesbian sex is and stop before our legs go to sleep under the weight of the other person, an ankle gets rolled, or our hammies start cramping. Instead, we reach for our pillows and hit each other until one of them explodes and then we roll around in the feathers until we orgasm. To think we actually scissor each other is ridiculous.

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Do not use this for any legitimate purpose as it is historically inaccurate. 
It is true that scissoring is a straight man's fantasy but, in all fairness, there might be lesbians who actually do scissor each other, though I don't know of any. 

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