I found my target: a four-door sedan, low to the ground, driving the speed limit in the right hand lane. The turn signal tick-tocked while I made my way into the left lane. My foot put pressure on the gas pedal. My bumper was inches away from side swiping the sedan when I saw a small, yellow sign hanging in the rear driver's side window that read Caution: Baby on Board.
Well, shit. Now what to do? I couldn't side swipe the car and force it into a ditch now. There was a baby on board. A baby!
Here's a newsflash, dumbass: you had me at Human Driving on Board. Now that there's a baby on board I'm supposed to, what? Put a spotlight on your car so it shines in a heavenly light? Your baby on board is spitting up all over its Onesie, shitting in its pants, and crying for reasons you can only guess. You have bigger fish frying than worrying if I'm going to come along and t-bone your car because I'm looking for something to fill in my day.
The sign is more about bragging rights, isn't it? You think because you created the "miracle of life"--it's no more a miracle than my having a good hair day--you're entitled over those of us who don't have a baby on board? You want to rub it in? Say, hey world, look what I did? A dick stuffed a vagina, sperm fertilized an egg, and I have a baby on board?
You want to make a statement? Fuck the sign. Tape your baby to the window. Let everyone see your Baby on Board. A sign is just a sign, but when one is faced with a baby drooling down a window, one is going to slow down. I promise.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Depending on Stupid
I had a discussion with a young man about natural resources. We eventually landed on shortages of water. He told me if there wasn't any water he would drink milk.
What scared me most about our talk was he was look-me-dead-in-the-eye serious.
I shouldn't have needed to explain to him that without water cows would die. Seriously. How do people like him exist? Why do so many people in the world fail to realize everything is connected? Why is embracing ignorance the new pink?
It's because of Palin, isn't it?
It probably has more to do with people thinking the sun, oceans, animals, and Facebook revolves around them. What do polluted rivers, dirty air, melting polar icecaps, and animals going extinct have to do with them buying an alarm clock and a family sized Kraft Macaroni and Cheese from Walmart while posting the riveting details of their trip on Facebook?
I like to think those beating their chests while spouting their ignorance is their way of saving face. Being proud of being stupid keeps people from having to face up to the impact they're having on the Earth and others. Being proud of being ignorant keeps people from feeling too much about their fellow man and creatures. Being proud of not knowing anything lets Michael Bay keep making Transformer movies.
Knowing how water and cows, melting polar icecaps and hurricanes, bees and crops, animal life and human life, Madonna and Lady Gaga relate to one other is important, regardless if stupid cares about it or not. So how about we strike a deal? I'll go see the next Transformer movie if stupid actually looks out its window instead of staring at its reflection in it. For the love of humanity, please, take the deal.
Our survival depends on you, Stupid.
What scared me most about our talk was he was look-me-dead-in-the-eye serious.
I shouldn't have needed to explain to him that without water cows would die. Seriously. How do people like him exist? Why do so many people in the world fail to realize everything is connected? Why is embracing ignorance the new pink?
It's because of Palin, isn't it?
It probably has more to do with people thinking the sun, oceans, animals, and Facebook revolves around them. What do polluted rivers, dirty air, melting polar icecaps, and animals going extinct have to do with them buying an alarm clock and a family sized Kraft Macaroni and Cheese from Walmart while posting the riveting details of their trip on Facebook?
I like to think those beating their chests while spouting their ignorance is their way of saving face. Being proud of being stupid keeps people from having to face up to the impact they're having on the Earth and others. Being proud of being ignorant keeps people from feeling too much about their fellow man and creatures. Being proud of not knowing anything lets Michael Bay keep making Transformer movies.
Knowing how water and cows, melting polar icecaps and hurricanes, bees and crops, animal life and human life, Madonna and Lady Gaga relate to one other is important, regardless if stupid cares about it or not. So how about we strike a deal? I'll go see the next Transformer movie if stupid actually looks out its window instead of staring at its reflection in it. For the love of humanity, please, take the deal.
Our survival depends on you, Stupid.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Open Letter: Governor Rick Perry
Dear Governor Perry:
Bravo, Governor. It looks like the day of prayer you held on August 7th, asking for God's help with our nation's and states' crises, is working wonders. It may have taken a little time but nothing says "I hear what you're saying" like hurricanes and wildfires.
I bet we both can't help wondering how God could have spared those heathens of New York City - Hurricane Irene downgraded to a tropical storm...pathetic - yet decided to withhold water and then set your Good Christian state of Texas on fire.
I bet we both can't help wondering how all your state's damage is going to be paid for, too.
You've said it yourself, Governor: government needs to be smaller. If you take a single cent of federal money, you're going to look like a horse's ass. Well, now, let's hold on a minute. You've already said Texas should secede from the union, that you don't believe in evolution or climate change, and social security is a ponzi scheme. What's that saying...if the (horse)shoe fits?
Anyway, in these trying times it's important to remember "real" Americans don't need handouts. All they need is prayer. Right, Governor?
Rick, I'm going to lay it out in your no-bullshit style: I think God is trying to tell you something. Stop polishing your gun, put the uteruses aside, and smell the smoke already. If you can't fully commit just yet, using the millions of dollars you'll raise for your presidential campaign to help the people of your state would show signs of good listening faith. Like the unemployed can pray for jobs, you can pray you get the nomination.
Good luck in the debate on Wednesday!
Whack-A-Muse
Bravo, Governor. It looks like the day of prayer you held on August 7th, asking for God's help with our nation's and states' crises, is working wonders. It may have taken a little time but nothing says "I hear what you're saying" like hurricanes and wildfires.
I bet we both can't help wondering how God could have spared those heathens of New York City - Hurricane Irene downgraded to a tropical storm...pathetic - yet decided to withhold water and then set your Good Christian state of Texas on fire.
I bet we both can't help wondering how all your state's damage is going to be paid for, too.
You've said it yourself, Governor: government needs to be smaller. If you take a single cent of federal money, you're going to look like a horse's ass. Well, now, let's hold on a minute. You've already said Texas should secede from the union, that you don't believe in evolution or climate change, and social security is a ponzi scheme. What's that saying...if the (horse)shoe fits?
Anyway, in these trying times it's important to remember "real" Americans don't need handouts. All they need is prayer. Right, Governor?
Rick, I'm going to lay it out in your no-bullshit style: I think God is trying to tell you something. Stop polishing your gun, put the uteruses aside, and smell the smoke already. If you can't fully commit just yet, using the millions of dollars you'll raise for your presidential campaign to help the people of your state would show signs of good listening faith. Like the unemployed can pray for jobs, you can pray you get the nomination.
Good luck in the debate on Wednesday!
Whack-A-Muse
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