Angry Basset

Off my keychain dangles a small, plush Angry Bird. I know I'm a grown woman and such frivolities are generally reserved for the youth, but it was a gift. And I love it.

As soon as it was handed to me, I knew it had to be kept a secret from my basset. Small, plush, roundish toys are her favorite; a nice pair of balled-up woolen socks comes in as a close second.

Recently, I became careless. I grabbed my keys off the counter and held them in front of my body like a trophy. I failed to notice the basset was sitting in front of me. 

Big mistake.

The basset went from I'm-just-chillin'-at-my-mama's-feet to OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-IS-THAT-AND-WHEN-DO-I-GET-TO-PUT-IT-IN-MY-MOUTH! Her eyes widened. Her tail shook so hard she was on the verge of shaking right out of her fur. Then she started yipping and whining in her overly expressive excitement.

Shit. This was my Angry Bird. And I loved it! I tried to tell her she couldn't have it, that it was a gift, a gift not meant for her, but she didn't care. She wasn't buying it. Her insistence was relentless. Now that she'd set eyes on it, nothing was going to convince her that it belonged anywhere but in her mouth. She continued wagging and talking and hopping.

What could I do? It was my Angry Bird! I didn't want it subjected to a slathering of saliva. I hid the Angry Bird, out of sight, and broke her heart. I broke her heart while she was looking into my eyes. I broke her heart and couldn't forgive myself. Making matters worse, my wife, shortly after, was carelessly holding the keys, leaving the Angry Bird dangling in the breeze.

I saw the situation unfolding in front of me like a blanket being laid out on the grass for a picnic.

"Angry Bird!" I yelled as the basset jumped up like a great white shark lunging out out of the water for its prey. Thankfully the basset was not made for lift or speed and my wife was able to easily keep my Angry Bird out of saliva's way. The basset's disappointment abounded. She moped for days.



Ah...all better



But retribution would be hers. The basset's very own Angry Bird showed up at the beginning of the week. She got to parade it around the living room, growl when her brother (the mutt) got too close, and take a nap with it. She also snuck it outside. When questioned, she said it needed to use the bathroom.

Alas, I was forgiven.

The basset's backup Angry Bird arrived yesterday. It's a pig wearing a helmet. The box in which it arrived was opened in the car. The pig wearing a helmet went directly into the house without fanfare, and while the basset was distracted, it was hidden in a place out of her reach.

I have learned that the basset is only happy with what she has until she realizes secrets, like pigs wearing helmets, are being kept from her.