Open Letter: Michele Bachmann

Dear Mrs. Bachmann,

My apologies for interrupting your conversation with God, but this is important. Before you decide to say or do anything concerning slavery, please, consult me first. You're painting yourself as an ignoramus whose ideas on our nation's history play out with nary a bad guy. I'm embarrassingly familiar with Whitey's Golden Years: 80 B.C. - 1964, but nowhere else in history does a document allude to our Founding Fathers working "tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States." If I know it's not true, you, as a presidential candidate, should also know it's not true.

And then - my god, Michele - you shot yourself in your pretty white foot when you signed the First Leader pledge that stated "slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA's first African-American President." That part of the pledge has been removed, but not before you signed it.

I've heard racists claim they're not racist and then turn around and say something racist thinking their self proclaimed non-racist status protects them from their stupidity. Still with me?

I'm starting to think you actually do believe Washington and Jefferson would have freed their slaves if only there hadn't been so much work to do.

For the love of the melting pot, let me help you.

Here's the plan. Stick to what you know: God's mind, obeying your husband, monitoring uteruses, and the present. Leave the history lessons to the professionals. I know, Michele. I know. This kind of rhetoric raises crazy cash from some seriously scared white people, but I implore you to stop talking out of your ass.

And stop insisting you'll ban gay marriage if elected president. Don't go there. Pandering to the lowest social denominator isn't going to help you this time. People are in the shitter. You need to take into consideration that our nation is socially evolving, Michele. Even if your campaign has been intelligently designed.

Good luck in the primaries!

Whack-A-Muse