If We Have To

If women have to douche, men have to carry penis wipes.

Having genitals on the outside does not exempt one from getting funky. I know what my foot smells like after being in shoes and socks all day, never mind the fact that I don't pull out my foot, piss out the end of my toes, and stuff it all back into my shoes and socks. There is no way in hell I would ever put my foot in my mouth after a long day. Or even after a short day. I don't ever want to put my foot in my mouth, but that's another matter altogether.

I propose penis wipes for men. Call them Big Dick Man Wipes. Men will flock to them, beg to use them, if only to silently brag while standing in line to pay for them. Men can flash them in the bathroom - subliminal messaging - before giving their junk a good polish. I don't want to hear it: they will come in floral scents. Or in any scent that grows in a field and has been sun-kissed. I agree: douche scents should come in motor oil, musty garage, pizza and beer, or pigskin.

Who am I kidding? There's no way men are going to think their junk isn't good enough. Isn't pretty enough. Isn't smell-goody enough. Their insecurities aren't shoved in their faces, every day, once they are born. So, fuck it. And fuck douching, too. If I had my way, I would clear every douche off every shelf, turn them into salad dressings, and give Hooters the exclusive right to serve.