Make It So

You might have recently heard about a study linking long, painful bladder infections in women to the chicken they are eating. The infections are resistant to antibiotics, therefore, difficult to get rid of. Scientists think it has something to do with the antibiotics chickens are fed - the chickens and infected women share the same bacterial DNA - to keep them healthy while living in horrid conditions.

I'm not delving into studio apartment chicken living, I swear.

The chicken industry says it has nothing to do with chickens. Whew. That was a close call. Revelations out of the mouths of invested parties always sets my mind at ease. What do epidemiologists know about infections and their causes anyway? Jack shit, that's what. I'm relieved to know my women friends who eat chicken have been given a pass by the chicken industry to keep on clucking.

These scientists should be ashamed: unleashing confounded conspiracy theories, trying to make names for themselves. I, for one, will not stand for it a moment longer! Join me, please, in telling these bullies to leave the chicken industry alone! (Shout-out to Chris Crocker, ya'll.) The chicken industry isn't doing anything but trying to raise hundreds of thousands of chickens without losing a single one. Now, I'm no scientist, but I'll bet the farm this E. coli superbug is linked to premarital sex. 

Some of the eight million at-risk women are married? 

Oh, then, um, it's probably linked to...pigs? Right. That's already been done. Birds? Shut your face, chickens aren't birds. Are they? But that's been done before, too. Hmm...Well, I'm going to have to go with vegetables. Yeah, I know about the spinach and the lettuce and the tomatoes, but it's got to be something other than an industry that churns out 23 million chickens a day for consumption.

I've got it: walking barefoot! Good for the chicken industry and the shoe industry. And now that I've said it, like all the other nonscientific blow-hards with the ability to speak, I have made it so.