I haven't lost all hope, but given President Obama's abysmal performance in last week's debate I've started making what little internal peace I can by picturing Mitt Romney in the White House. Mitt sitting in the Oval Office, signing bills into law; Mitt repeatedly pointing out that his cup of coffee starts being a cup of coffee at the grinding of beans but refusing to drink it until it's been brewed in the coffee machine. If President Romney comes to pass, family planning could look a lot different. So, I'm here to offer solutions.
When your local Planned Parenthood is defunded and closes, cutting you off to affordable contraception, make sure there is plenty of aspirin in the bedside table drawer. Falling asleep with an aspirin between your knees is easy, but come morning, when that rascally aspirin is lost in the sheets and your boyfriend or husband wants to stick his penis in you, you tell him you have a headache and take two aspirin. You'll find plenty in the bedside table.
If that doesn't work, tell him, "Sex is for procreation only." That's what republicans tell gays and lesbians when we say we want to get married. (Republicans can pretend we haven't figured out their sophisticated coding system all they want, but it doesn't take a lefty socialist to figure out when they say marriage they mean sex.) The rule applies here. Wear a goddamn Snuggy--America's version of a burqa--and your oversized, stretched-out period panties 24/7 if you have to.
Go gay. Only until you're reproductively ready, that is. It's a choice so it shouldn't be too hard. Two sockets bumping into each other cannot a child make.
But if you and your man-candy find yourselves in a moment of uncontrollable passion, and I can't stress this enough, make sure you always have illegitimate sex. (I don't need to spell this out, do I?)
Or you could simply vote for the other guy.
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