Tips and Tricks (for Modern Day Racists)

As someone who grew up in a racist household, I feel I'm in a unique position to help ease the Hunger Games' racist fans' suffering. I can only imagine how disappointing, how deceiving it must have felt to watch a movie made from the beloved book series and find--gasp!--all the "good roles" occupied by black people! Huddle up and take a knee. Since you can't whitewash your movies like you can your books, I have some tips and tricks so this doesn't happen again. Let's start with the obvious:

1. You don't have to be a racist.

Yep. It's true. You really don't. Perhaps if you correlate your feelings of superiority to shitting in your own mouth it will help? I realize visualization doesn't work for everyone, so if you fall into that category, think about it this way: When you announce what you're about to say is racist and say it anyway, you're a fucking asshole. Which brings me to my second tip:

2. You don't have to be a fucking asshole.

Seriously. The world already has Rick Santorum and he owns that MO. But seeing how you despise a number of the world's population, being a fucking asshole may not bother you. And that's okay. So let's try this: If you let the sun darken your lily white skin you can't hold prejudices towards people with dark skin.

3. Don't be a hypocrite.

You don't know what that word means? Never mind. Let's move to my fourth tip: 

4. Read more books. 

I don't mean the Bible. Get a library card, clear a Saturday, and, I know this will be hard, check out books that sound lame. Maybe start with To Kill A Mockingbird. You're thinking it sounds kind of cool? Wait, wait, wait. It's not about hunting. Which brings me to my fifth and final tip:

5. Always understand what you're getting into.

Unless you can be absolutely certain the world you're stepping into is a white one, don't leave the house.

I care about you. I really do. And I'm sorry to throw in a spoiler alert, but there are going to be people of color in the sequels. You might want to start thinking about implementing one or two of these tips and tricks so the subsequent movies won't be so difficult to watch. But if you can't get past the blackness, stick with tip number five. There's no shame in staying at home and watching Two and a Half Men.