I'm not missing out on the next wave of bat-shit. I'm going to be ready the next time an old white guy who looks like he's off his meds yells, "Rapture!"
I'm abandoning writing to work on my new prototype: Rapture Jeans.
You may be asking yourself, 'Rapture Jeans? Why would I want to sell everything I own so I can buy a $100,000 pair of jeans?'
Oh, ho, ho, ho! These are no ordinary jeans, my friends! Take a look at the benefits Rapture Jeans provide:
They are flame retardant.
They can be used as a floatation device.
They make your ass look good even when it's been bad.
They repel locusts, two-headed dogs, and homosexuals.
They speak two languages, including tongues.
There is an Applebee's in the back pocket.
They tear away and fold into a bible.
What an amazing opportunity! And you have a chance to get in on the ground level. The next time Jesus is descending, don't be unprepared. All you need to do is send me a check for $25,000 to reserve your very own pair.
To those of you who decline this special offer, good luck in your Levi's. Last I checked, Levi's didn't make anyone feel superior.
No comments:
Post a Comment