When you've had absolutely no use for God and then suddenly, after a close friend dies, you find God, maybe in the pantry or in the lettuce crisper, you give yourself away too easily: Your fear is showing.
Every creature on this planet is afraid of dying. We're supposed to be afraid to die. It keeps us from doing stupid shit that kills us, like crossing the street against a green light, jumping off a twenty-story building with the four corners of a sheet tied to each one of our appendages, eating rotten food, sleeping with Pamela Anderson or Tommy Lee. Without a healthy fear of death, our species would become extinct. It's called survival instincts, but we don't tell ourselves that's what we're doing. Because, somehow, instead of surviving, we're doing God's will.
Why does the animal kingdom get to have survival instincts and we get to have fairy tales? Why is it that our species is the only one that has come up with a safety net--going to a beautiful place where everyone you've ever loved is there waiting for you-- for after you die? Why are we the species that gets to comfort ourselves with the God idea while the animals simply die?
My wife was quick to point out that because animals communicate with each other, and because we'll never have a deer mind, or a turkey mind, or a tiger mind, or a bear mind, or a horse mind, or a dog mind, we have no idea what kind of system animals have in place for what happens to them when they die. True. If I knew they had all been touched by the hand of God, and were just biding their time until He called them home, I might not be so skeptical.
As it currently stands, I am terrified to die. I love my life and hate to think of it ending. I'll continue to white knuckle it down the mountain pass when the road is covered in ice. I'll continue to care about what food I put in my body. I'll refrain from stepping foot into a rough neighborhood. And when my day to die comes, I'll continue to dismiss a guy wearing a robe, with real estate in the sky, who is also his own son, as a fairy tale. But I'll admit, it is a good one.
But you know my dear friend, we all want the fairy tale. Maybe we don't all want that one, but we all do want one. Well I do. You've already found yours :)
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